This Spring I had the honor of being allowed to participate in an indigenous Medicine ceremony. The Medicine is an ancient Wisdom, kind and gentle, a conveyor of knowledge. The essence of the Medicine and the Shaman guided me through the most remarkable experience of my life. I was shown all that I asked to see and so much more. The experience was fully interactive with my consciousness and subconscious. The Medicine "taught" me by perceived levels of approval. There was no right or wrong, only good or better stream of thought.

I was allowed to "see" physical life as the union of molecular substance and Spiritual essence. In the field of my perception, there was continuous formation of molecules with a simultaneous infusion of the Spiritual essence. Then these forms would dissipate and the "essence" would flow back into a misty layer, a collective consciousness, hovering around the field of molecular movement. There was continuous movement in all planes and each new life form would be a new combination of molecule and "essence". No overall loss or gain, only transformation. I was shown how we create the illusion of solid form by slowing down our senses of perception to almost freeze objects in time. We tend to fear change and most of us construct a world around ourselves to project a "comfortable" existence in which we can minimize change. But at some level we know that everything that doesn't appear to change is illusion. The fear that we have created an illusory existence can be crippling. Instead of absorbing the energy of transformation and using it to create, we may reject it and become stagnant. The aspect of the Medicine that has had the greatest impact on me was the realization of self. Half way through the night I realized that the Shaman was guiding my experience very specifically. His words would encourage me to relax and expand for concepts that might be difficult to internalize, or to ground myself, rest and breathe in preparation for the next "lesson". I was amazed that he could be so tuned into my "lessons" and wondered if the other participants were experiencing the same. I was tapping my fingers over my heart to the beat of the drum. As I rolled to my side, I skipped a beat with my fingertips, and so did the Shaman's drum. I WAS THE DRUMMER! I was guiding my experience, exactly as it needed to be, for me! The awareness that I gained from that night has carried me through a season of facing my own death. Within 48 hours of the ceremony, I was in the Intensive Care unit for heart failure, a condition that had been progressing for weeks prior. Since then my physical appearance and ability have changed dramatically. I recognize it as a transformation of the illusion that I projected of my physicality. Tonight I was walking on a treadmill, using my somewhat transparent reflection in the window in front of me for a focus of meditation. Trying to practice breathing in suffering, fear and pain and breathing out as calm and compassion. The partial reflection brought me back to the clear awareness of the Medicine.

I am only a reflection of what moves through me. If I hold onto suffering and disease, that is what I project. If I let love, compassion and healing flow through me, that is the reflection of "me". I am the drummer. I chose to participate in this life again. I have had a part in manifesting every aspect of my life, every experience. The power of "I AM" is the understanding that I am able to make choices. I can choose to suffer. Or I can choose to perceive every occurrence in my life as an opportunity to embrace change, and transform, as is the nature of the universe. I chose this life. I choose not to let my heart die. I choose to remain in this physicality until truly, I am one with the Drummer.

Namaste,

Ladd

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